GOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLSSS!!!

I’ve heard a saying about goals — and I’m not talking about the kind that make the Spanish-speaking announcer for soccer (non-American football for the purists) bellow out GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!! on TV longer than Clay Aiken was in the spotlight.

Anyway, back to my subject.

Goals, the saying goes, are just dreams until you talk about them on YouTube and put them in your blog — or at least write them down.

I perched my laptop on a ladder in my driveway and blabbed about my goals for 15 minutes (an edited 15 minutes) earlier this week, so now it’s about time I actually wrote down my goals for the rest of 2015.

Unlike the rest of the world, I didn’t make any goals in the form of New Year’s Resolutions back in January, and only partially because I was too busy doing NASCAR-like laps around the food spread.

In all honesty, I had very little belief that my goals would be achieved, so why set any?

I’m pretty good at talking the talk.

I’m not so good at walking the walk.

While I’ve made strides since hitting the reboot button earlier this spring during my month sabbatical, my fitness/nutrition guru, Brandon the Food Dude, noticed my all-talk-no-walk habit at our appointment Friday afternoon.

He knew that a 331-pound guy, according to his scale, should’ve lost more than I had the previous two weeks (two pounds) if I’d been following the eating and exercising plan.

What followed was a tough-love lecture about me needing to have more discipline and the importance of establishing an exercise habit, even if it’s just walking. Brandon then challenged me to walk briskly between 20-40 minutes every day for the next week.

Challenge accepted.

That small test actually fits in perfectly with the bigger goals I recently set for myself for the remainder of 2015.

GOAL NO. 1: 5K

Admittedly, this isn’t a huge goal. It’s not an Ironman. It’s not a marathon. But for somebody who’s been completely inactive for the past two years, it almost seems like it. Considering the difficulties I’m having even getting into a simple exercise routine, this will be a good challenge to begin with.

I’d like to mark this one off sooner than later, so I’m looking to do a 5K in the middle of July. In my latest Man vs. Diet vlog, I said I was going to do it on July 15, my dad’s birthday, and call it the Big Tom Memorial Fun Run in honor of my hero who passed away almost 12 years ago.

However, I will be in Las Vegas for work at that time, so I might do it the week earlier instead. July 8 was my parents’ anniversary, so I’m contemplating doing it that day and calling it “The Tom & Mom Fun Run.” Nothing says “I love you” more than a sweaty body, painful legs and burning lungs, right? I’ll get more details as we get closer, but I’d like to do the 5K on the Daybreak Lake trail. And, yes, you are all invited! Keep in mind, though, I will be doing a mixture of walking, waddling and, well, that sums it up.

GOAL NO. 2: TRIATHLON

I fell in love with triathlons back in 2008 when I did my first short-distance race, the Shark Attack, at Crystal Hot Springs in Honeyville, Utah. It was an incredible experience. I liked it so much I did seven triathlons in one summer.

As you might’ve heard me brag about a million times, I eventually did an Ironman triathlon up in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, in 2011. I figured I’d be as far away from obesity as possible when I crossed the finish line after months of intense training and then swimming for 2.4 miles, biking for 112 miles and walking/jogging for 26.2 miles in one day.

Crossing that finish line and becoming an Ironman — as an obese dude (230ish pounds) — was truly one of the greatest moments of my life. I still can’t believe I did it.

I’m pretty disappointed about what happened next. To fast forward through a few years, I gained back 120 pounds and became so lazy couch potatoes distanced themselves from me.

That will change this summer. I just signed up to participate in the Camp Yuba sprint triathlon, which is about a half-mile swim, a 12-mile bike ride and a 5K. Go to racetri.com to sign up with me!

The good news: I’ve got three months to prepare for the Sept. 12 triathlon.

The bad news: I won’t be skinny by then.

I will be at the starting line, though. I might even make it to the finish line.

GOAL NO. 3: HOLIDAY FUN RUNS

I like the idea of doing runs in the late fall and winter to help prevent the body from storing too much extra fat for the hibernating months. I also like the idea of working out on holidays so I can indulge in extra food.

I think it will be fun to do a race on or around Halloween, to do a turkey trot on Thanksgiving and to hit the streets with a bunch of wannabe Kris Kringles in a Santa Run around Christmas.

My kids don’t know it yet, but they’re doing these races with me, too.

GOAL NO. 4: 10K

I need to be careful, because sometimes I bite off more than I can chew when it comes to goal setting. I was 75 pounds overweight when I took on the Ironman challenge, so I kinda got lucky to be able to endure the 16 hours and 34 minutes on the course.

But I’ve signed up for other races that I didn’t even attempt, wasting oodles of cash because I hadn’t devoted enough training time to get myself ready for the starting line, let alone the finish line. Ironman Florida. The Ogden Marathon. A half-marathon in South Jordan.

I’ve had a habit of signing up for ambitious goals thinking that that big race would be what finally turns me into a devoted exercise freak.

The opposite always happens. I’ve simply returned to my lazy ways.

While a 10K is a lofty goal right now, I think I’ll be able to tackle one later this year after I’ve gotten into an exercise groove (IT WILL HAPPEN … THIS TIME … NO REALLY, IT WILL!).

I’m not sure when/where the 10K will take place, but I’ve got until Dec. 31 to figure that out.

GOAL NO. 5: SMALLER CLOTHES

My wife and I went to Hawaii 12 years ago when I was a full-sized figure. I still have a nice-looking, dark blue and white flowery Hawaiian shirt. It’s a XXXXL. After I lost a bunch of weight, I kept it as a “before shirt.” I’d also joke that I was my own island while wearing that big piece of cloth.

Unfortunately, it no longer drowns me like a moomoo. In fact, I’m even a bit scared to go try it on right now out of fear it might be tight around the midsection. After all, I’m almost as wide (62-inch midsection) as I am tall (67.5 inches).

I only have a few 3XL/4XL shirts that actually fit me now, and I’ve had to get new pants and shorts because the pairs I have in my closet are too small. I currently wear Size 50 pants.

There’s a simple rule with clothes and with movies: Xs aren’t a good thing.

I want to wear Size 42 pants and an XXL shirt by the end of the year.

GOAL NO. 6: NO SEATBELT EXTENDER

As a sports writer who covers the NBA, I travel a lot for my job. This means that I get the displeasure of asking flight attendants over and over if I can get a seatbelt extender. It means I can’t sit in the emergency row. And because I need a seatbelt extender, it also means that I’m big enough to be the guy on the plane that nobody wants to sit next to (and I understand why).

It’s miserable. It’s embarrassing. It’s annoying.

I don’t want that anymore.

GOAL NO. 7: CLIMB A MOUNTAIN!

I live on the foothills in the southwestern corner of the Salt Lake Valley in a small city called Herriman. Every day, I walk out of my house and can see a peak to the south of my house. I wanted to call it Bon Jody Peak, but my neighbor informed me that its real name is South Mountain. Not to be confused with the South Mountain on the other side of the valley.

The point being: I want to climb South Mountain. Ours, not the other one.

I also want to be able to live to tell about my experience, so I plan on beginning at a trailhead in the near future and walking up as far as I can go without having my legs and/or lungs explode. And without getting bitten by a rattlesnake. Indiana Jones and I share an irrational fear of snakes — along with being adventurous and dashingly handsome, of course.

The following week or so, I will then try to surpass the point where I reached on my previous hike. Eventually, I will be up on Honorary Bon Jody Peak waving like a madman so the whole valley can see me (if the whole valley is close enough and bored enough to watch).

Why climb a mountain?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to follow Julia Andrews’ advice.

I also think it will be a pretty powerful metaphor for my personal life.

GOAL NO. 8: LOSE 50 POUNDS

There are about 30 weeks left in the year, so this would be just under two pounds per week. It’s certainly doable. It would also be good to actually weigh what my Driver License claims I do: 275.

This isn’t a very aggressive goal (on purpose), but I’d happily take a bigger weight loss in the next seven months. If it’s smaller, feel free to give me a swift kick in the back pockets of my new Size 42 pants.

These are the mini-weight-loss goals I’ll reach along the way:

• Get out of 320s
• Get out of 310s
• Get out of 300s!!!
• Get out of jail free
• Get out of 290s
• Get out of my dreams!
• Get out of 280s

As a bonus for those of you who made it this far, here are a few of my long-term goals:

Own a sharp-looking suit: I haven’t worn a suit since 1992 when I was on an LDS mission in France. Envisioning the confidence I’d exude in a spiffy new suit at goal weight is exciting.

Ironman???: I almost think the second Ironman would be harder than the first. During Round 1, I didn’t realize what kind of agony I was going to experience. Now I know, and strangely I want to be at that finish line again hearing my name being called out, “JODY GENESSY! YOU! ARE! AN! IRONMAN!” I have no idea when or where this will happen, but it’s in my blood. I do know that I want to try the next one weighing much less than I did last time.

Ultimate goal weight: 161.5 pounds

Why that? That, according to my BMI calculations, is what I need to weigh to not be considered overweight. Ahhhh, how would it be to just be at a normal weight!? I haven’t weighed that since my junior year of high school (1987-88). TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS AGO! It’s gonna happen again in a year. Or two. Or three.

I’m not in a race. I just want to get there, so I’m going to.