(I recently let the world — at least the elite portion of the world that reads my new website — know that I’m on a diet. As promised, here’s my update…)
Before I get too far into this week’s Man vs. Diet episode, I should inform you that my wife had to undergo a minor medical procedure last week.
I don’t tell you this to try to tug at hearts or to get sympathy. It’s been eight days now, and I’m not even feeling the slightest aftereffects of ingesting hospital food or of being forced to wake up at 4:15 a.m. to take Heather to the necessary early-morning registration.
Despite some hairy moments in the cafeteria (vegetable eggs?) and experiencing severe boredom in the family waiting room, I’ve recovered nicely.
Thanks for your concern, though.
Oh, and my wife?
She’s doing OK, too. First-class medical care, potent prescriptions, much-needed rest, and TLC from family and friends were helpful, but I’m pretty sure copious amounts of Lorna Doone shortbread cookies and Cozy Shack pudding delivered by the nursing staff really sped up the healing process.
This was also great for me. Normally, my wife has to spend time in the maternity ward to get her fill of shortbread cookies and creamy pudding, which hospitals in our area generously provide before charging our insurance company $15,928.63 per serving. (Which makes me wonder: Are hospital-provided cookies and pudding cheaper through Obamacare? And why don’t they deliver snacks to husbands in the family waiting room?)
Great. Now I’m hungry while writing a weight-loss update, and all I’ve got to tide me over is a photo of the goods from my wife’s hospital excursion.
This quote from Heather makes me feel slightly better: “This is weird. Usually, I’m bringing a baby home with me when I get wheeled out of a hospital.”
Let’s not give her any crazy ideas. And enough rambling. My update: I’m down 2.3 pounds since I last took a photo of my Hobbit-like feet on my bathroom scale. That puts me about 15 pounds lighter than my heaviest point this past summer and 102.2 pounds below my all-time high of 371 pounds.
I’m pretty dang happy about those results considering a conversation I had with my wife earlier today that went something like this:
Me: “My first weight-loss report is going to read more like a National Enquirer story: ‘Former Weight Watchers Centerfold Confesses Inhaling Obscene Amounts Of Food In First Week Of Documented Diet!’”
Heather: “Did you stop by the hospital and pretend that you had a life-threatening illness just to get cookies and pudding again?”
Me: “Who, me!?! Do that!? Huh. Good idea.”
Heather: “I thought you had a good week.”
Me: “I mostly did, well, except maybe for the part when I ate those cheesy chicken enchiladas that Awesome Neighbor A brought over. Oh yeah, and the part when I ate homemade Sloppy Joes that Awesome Neighbor B made for us. And the part when I ate a couple of servings of sweet-and-sour chicken on rice that Awesome Neighbor C delivered after my, uh, your hospital excursion … and when I ate two chocolate cookies with gooey frosting … and on Sunday when I made and ate crepes with Nutella and whipped cream and PB&J and sausage (veggie sausage!) … and Monday night when I downed amazing BBQ ribs, baked beans, pasta salad and garlicky potatoes with sour cream at Awesome Friend D’s house…”
Heather (and I imagine she was rolling her eyes): “Sounds like you ate pretty good.”
Me: “Just imagine if I wasn’t on a diet!”
Since a month ago, when I got serious about getting back on the healthy bandwagon, I’ve been following a carefully planned routine (thanks to my friends from Team THF). I’m supposed to eat six times a day — small meals, not six trips to the all-you-can-eat buffet. My menu mostly consists of a combination of good carbohydrates, lean protein and healthy fats.
Problem is, I was supposed to go to my latest appointment on Tuesday, but we had to alter plans for the hospital trip. Instead, I just tried to wing it. Bad idea. I’m in a good mental spot right now, so I’m not pigging out even while eating moderate amounts of all those previously mentioned culinary creations (and, yes, I did eat all of that stuff throughout the week). I would have had more success — my weight plateaued the last 5-6 days — if I’d adhered to a solid game plan like I had been doing.
It’s a good reminder that actions have consequences.
On the bright side, at least I avoided the temptation of snacking on pudding, cookies and veggie eggs (???) from the hospital.
(P.S. BIG THANKS to all of our family members and friends who brought food, helped clean and watched our kids.)
Starting weight: 271.1 (all-time high: 371)
Last week’s results: Lost 2.3 pounds
Current weight: 268.8
Goal weight: 171
Status/BMI: Morbidly obese/42.1
Quote on my mind: “If you bite it, write it.” — Somebody smart at my old Weight Watchers meetings (accountability, baby!)