I was recently threatened with physical violence by a large dude with big knuckles. While getting a threat from a Buff Mofo from Indiana who’s 6-foot-7-inches tall and weighs 240 pounds seems to be a cause for concern — and I’m certain he could do damage to this unbuff Mormon from Utah’s face, as he warned — it turned out to be one of funniest interactions I’ve ever had on Twitter.
My potential pain is all of our gain.
It all started with an innocuous tweet Saturday night during the Utah Jazz game.
One of my Twitter followers, a Lakers fan, retweeted this and commented about the possibility that Hayward could land in L.A. next season. Hayward will be a free agent, so anything is possible.
This retweet set hilarity — until I get my face crushed — into motion.
People say a lot of negative things about Utah. Mormons can be kinda different or weird (look at me!), so that’s usually what drives those types of conversations. But to call Utah a dump clearly shows that you’ve never been to one of the most scenic spots in the United States.
I couldn’t resist taking a fun shot at Mr. FinesseHOF, who is a prophetic expert on Hayward’s future and an expert about dumps and basketball.
Before I get to the really fun part, I also poked fun at the Lakers fan who tweeted about Hayward going to L.A. to play a reserve role.
The best jokes had yet to be made. Remember our dump expert friend? He fired a shot back at me.
I reacted as you’d expect a smart-aleck writer/wannabe comedian to react. I went all Grammar Nazi on him. Not only did he omit an important comma before the word virgin — I have four kids, ages 4-12, to prove that I’m not one, by the way — but he also had Tarzan-approved subject-verb agreement in the second sentence.
Judging his ensuing response, Mr. FinesseHOF does not respond well to grammar criticism. His poor English teachers. Even so, I will give him credit for a creative use of the word grammar, though.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Buff Mofo from Indiana!
If a movie about a bully beating up a former elementary school spelling bee champ (OK, runner-up) was ever made, “I’ll grammar these knuckles to your face buddy” would definitely be in the script. It’s an instant classic villain line.
It’s right up there with the time in Goonies when Brandon told Mouth, “I’m gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will be out of style!”
Or when Drago told Rocky, “I must break you.”
And when Ron Burgundy told Veronica Corningstone, “I’m gonna punch you in the ovary. That’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.”
Grammar that, word nerd!
I retweeted the Buff Mofo from Indiana’s threat with a simple “This guy” and then — after watching the Jazz play for another minute for my job and seeing him get torched by other tweeters — admitted that I was relieved.
“I swiped left” would have been another acceptable response.
Anyway, this exchange was a hot topic amongst media members as we waited for Jazz coach Quin Snyder to arrive for his postgame press conference at Vivint Arena. While laughing about it, KUTV sportscaster Adam Mikulich suggested that I respond with my own selfie.
So I did. (And my apologies.)
By the way, I’m not the one who called Mr. FinesseHOF a buff mofo from Indiana. He did.
And the Internet being the Internet, somebody couldn’t resist taking a shot at my photo, either. How original. (Not that it matters, but the photo was 100-plus pounds ago in my weight-loss journey.)
I haven’t heard back from the Buff Mofo from Indiana since I tweeted out my mirror selfie. I’ll assume he’s decided to grammar his knuckles on some other face buddy.
Honestly, I’m guessing (hoping?) Mr. FinesseHOF wasn’t being totally serious and that he got a good laugh out of the exchange, too. Hopefully, he and I can laugh about all of this someday. I’m also quite hopeful that his knuckles will not have ruined my smile by the time that happens.